Error Correction

1.       I feel that he adopts a very utilitarian approach. Self-acknowledgement and not convincing
His approach appears utilitarian.

2.       I agree with Stuart’s suggestion. Self-acknowledgement and what is the suggestion?

Stuart makes a convincing case for/a compelling/persuasive argument for..

3.       I acknowledge that… self-acknowledgement
It is true that..

4.       Indeed, there is much evidence to show that attempts have been made to solve the problem of income disparity in China…

5.       Gender inequality remains unresolved. Gender equality starts with family planning.

6.       The gender gap will(can/will likely/hopufully) minimized.

7.       The Government needs to take immediate action.

8.       There are(is) also evidence that…

9.       Females still (loses) out to males.

10.   Gender inequality are(is)…

11.   Discuss about(talk about), seek for, mention on

12.   Females are stereotyped as a housewife.

13.   Women and househusband…
Different subject, women & men, housewife & househusband

14.   Indeed with family planning, women have more opportunities to seek employment instead of looking after children at home. Though women have more opportunities to work, gender inequality still persists. Women still lose out compared to their male counterparts as they tend to be at the bottom of the corporate world. The income difference and the gender distribution in the corporate world shows that gender inequality continue to persist even with family planning.

15.   According to the article, the government uses financial aid for the residents living in urban areas so that they are able to afford more necessities. In the short term this would allow the people to be able to move out of their poverty zone, but in the long run it will not be feasible for the government to continue with their measures.

16.   Thesis statement:

However, it is important to note that equality starts from educating both the individual, and the government. 

Body paragraph 1:

It has always been a norm that women do the housework and stay at home, while men make the money to support the family. Till today, where there are families with career-minded women and househusbands, capable women are unwilling to acknowledge that their husbands are the one taking care of the house. “But the power moms with the stay-at-home husbands are just as uneasy, often more embarrassed than proud that they’ve upset the traditional order” (Chen, 2013). Hence it is important that we educate the individuals to think otherwise, accept changes in the traditional norms and view women the same as men.